


cold

by moonwaves



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, One Shot, but also idk, i also do not know what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-02-01 03:40:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21361264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonwaves/pseuds/moonwaves
Summary: Kibum feels little beyond the freezing in his heart.
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Kim Kibum | Key
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	cold

**Author's Note:**

> this was a quick thing i wrote out of nowhere !! im writing the second part to my other fic rn so check that out if interested :D (its much longer than expected for no reason Sorry)

It's too silent, much too silent. They're standing by the river and all he can hear is the rush of it streaming by and his heart icing over. The wind is almost too much, biting at their limbs and faces. But it is nothing compared to the hurt on Jonghyun’s face, nothing compared to watching Jonghyun’s face shatter and freeze and shatter and freeze.

Kibum feels like he should cry. Feels like he should be crying, but he can’t. He is frozen as an impassive visage of cold, cold, cold. He hears Jonghyun breathe in harshly and it’s horrible, his heart thumps against his chest so painfully. He doesn’t know what to do or what to say.

“I don’t know what I expected.” Jonghyun speaks after a long moment. His voice sounds so small, caught and ripped from his throat. Kibum wishes he could cry, wishes he could speak, but he can’t. Can only stand and watch the street lights glitter and flicker across the black water of the rushing river.

“Are you going to say anything?” Jonghyun continues, sounding hurt and impatient and just so wholly shattered.

The truth was, Kibum loved Jonghyun more than anything else, more than he could ever love himself. And it was the love for him that made him hurt Jonghyun so, made him wish for Jonghyun to leave him. Jonghyun is beautiful and kind and soft, Kibum is just so cold. Beautiful things deserve better. He had hoped Jonghyun would leave before it was too late, but Jonghyun was Jonghyun and, before he was anything else, he was soft. Kibum should have known better. Jonghyun should have known better.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Kibum responds, his voice sounds so removed to even himself.

“Or do you just have nothing to say?”

Kibum finally turns to look Jonghyun in the eye and it  _ hurts _ . There is so much emotion shining in his big, soft eyes. So much it’s overwhelming, so much that it freezes Kibum’s heart even further. There is hurt and pleading and accusation and Kibum can’t imagine the ache in Jonghyun’s heart.

He says nothing, just looks Jonghyun in the eye. Watches the emotions flicker back and forth, it’s fascinating how much Jonghyun feels so quickly. Jonghyun huffs out a laugh against the crippling silence, it’s harsh and broken and not really a laugh, more of an exhale through his mouth.

“I really am pathetic, huh? Begging someone as cold as you to love me, to talk to me.” The words send stabbing pains through him and Kibum wonders if he’s talking so harshly to get through to his frozen heart. Wonders if he knows he got through to his frozen heart long ago, Kibum is just unworthy.

_ How could you not know how much I love you? How could you not know? _ Kibum wants to scream but it’s as if the cutting wind is blowing the words he wishes to say back into his mouth. His throat is dry and paper thin, his mouth so tightly shut.

It’s silent again and Kibum can finally look away when Jonghyun does. Jonghyun’s heavy breathing is so loud against the silence and it’s bordering on too much.

“Did you ever love me?” Jonghyun asks, his pretty face is marred by his furrowed brows and downturned lips, but he still manages to be so perfect. He knows there must be a million thoughts running through his head because Jonghyun had always thought too much. Thought too much, gave too much, loved too much. He didn’t stand a chance against Kibum’s cold heart.

And,  _ yes. Yes. I loved you so much it was time to let you go _ , Kibum thinks. But he is still so frozen, still so impassive, still so unfeeling. He wishes Jonghyun understood, knows he doesn’t. Knows he never could, but how could Kibum expect him to?

Jonghyun exhales once, harsh and bitter. “You’re so cruel, you know that? Why did you make me fall in love with you?”

“I’m sorry.” Kibum wishes his voice sounded more broken. Wishes his heart was more broken, but any cracks that comes forth are immediately mended and cauterized by the cold.

“You’re not.”

_ I am. _

Jonghyun looks at him sideways, so sad. Ever so beautiful. “I really tried, you know. You don’t know how much it hurt, how much it still hurts. I wish I could stop loving you, but I don’t know if I ever will. I tried so hard for us. For you.” With every word Jonghyun looks sadder and sadder, as if saying the words are giving him too much realization. “You’re just so cold.” He finally whispers.

“I know.”

Jonghyun barks out that same harsh laugh, nodding his head and his lips turn as if he’s amused. It’s the irony.

“Know but don’t care?” Jonghyun looks away. It’s almost as if he just can’t bear to look anymore.

Time feels frozen against the weight of Jonghyun words, Kibum wishes he had tried more. Had cared more. Wishes he could. But he can’t, and for that, Jonghyun deserves better.

Jonghyun sniffles once, twice, wiping the sleeve of his thin jacket against his nose. Kibum can’t tell if it’s the wind that brought them forth or the heartbreak.

“I should’ve known earlier. Done something earlier. Saved myself the heartbreak. Something about you changed, I should’ve noticed earlier.” Jonghyun sounds almost upset with himself, with Kibum, with the truth.

But it’s true, he should’ve noticed earlier. Kibum wishes he had noticed earlier, but there was just nothing that could be done now. They were here now at this damned river where they first met, shattered and breaking.

Jonghyun sighs as if he’s realized something, shaking his head and looking down. He spares Kibum a glance, filled with so much longing and love and so much hurt and yearning. Something in Kibum tells him this is goodbye, but he can’t find it in himself to do anything.

Jonghyun scans his face as if waiting for Kibum to do something, say something. Hopeful to a fault. He settles on eyes, brows quirking and Kibum knows it’s a plead. He just can’t give Jonghyun what he wants, what he’s looking for, so he merely looks away.

Another sigh, and then heavy footsteps leaving. Further away, going, going, gone. 

When Kibum can’t even sense the faintest hint of Jonghyun’s presence any longer, he finally feels the weight of it all crashing down on him. He has lost Jonghyun for good, and though that is what he wanted, it does not hurt any less. He clutches at his chest and his heart hurts  _ so much _ , he can feel it beat against the shell of ice, longing to beat and to feel. He’s a fool, a cruel and awful person, he couldn’t even say goodbye to his first and only love. He collapses to his knees and tries to hard to cry, to let the pain  _ out, out, out _ . But the ice is like a wall and no noise will come, no tears from his dry eyes, nothing. He heaves out dry sob upon dry sob until his head is pounding.

He wishes so bad he was a better person, wishes he could be what Jonghyun deserved. The words Jonghyun had so harshly spoke flash in out of his head and it’s with a hint of dread he realizes that he can hear them and not hear them. Wonder if he will remember them in the morning.

It hurts so much how little he can express himself, hurts so much how he can never let his emotions out. Hurts so much that someone as beautiful and kind as Jonghyun was ever on the receiving end of that. But what’s done is done, there’s nothing that could be helped as soon as they fell for each other. And this, this conversation, Jonghyun leaving him, it was for the best.

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE give me your thoughts!!!! i know im lacking in some areas and would like some feedback :D positive feedback and constructive criticism APPRECIATED!!!!!


End file.
